The Lesson I Learned From A Butterfly

A butterfly is a multifaceted creature. The way it’s born, the way it blossoms into adulthood, and the way it floats on into its last phase of life is all one transient mystery. Dozens of people I know adopt butterflies as a symbol a loved one’s spiritual presence. “OH did you see that butterfly just then?! They must be watching us!” The butterfly is swift yet peaceful all at once.
oThis past Saturday I walked into a hospice facility with my grandmother. My parents and I took her to the coast to visit her best friend in LIFE who was nearing death. Upon entering the main hall, we were greeted by butterflies. Not just one either! The entire wing was flooded with butterfly accents. I immediately took notice but was too caught up in my own selfishness to recognize what these butterflies were trying to teach me. You see, due to some personal conflicts, I haven’t been able to get down to the beach area in YEARS and had already decided that I was going to make my way down to the shore after this ‘quick’ little visit with Grandma. While I was spiritually praying for my grandmother’s strength and her best friends’ family, I was also anxiously checking the clock, becoming more disappointed as the seconds slipped into the next hour.
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As my mother and I sat comforting my grandmother, my dad quickly whisked out of the room and into the main hallway. Saturday was also the birthday of his late baby brother who died in January of this year. As I peered out the doorway, contemplating if I should run out and hug my dad or give him some space, I noticed a gigantic wire butterfly hanging on the wall above him. It was then that I began listening to what the butterfly was trying to teach me all along. It was then that I completely threw out my beach plans and began to totally focus on supporting the one person that needed my support the most — my grandmother. My selfish ambitions of taking a dip in the sea melted away and the power of love filled up every space of my consciousness.
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Fast forward to yesterday morning. My mom preached at her childhood church for their homecoming celebration and even though we had grandma’s best friend in our hearts, we were happy and able to enjoy ourselves. Things were blissful up until the announcement was made at the end of service that my grandma’s friend had died just minutes prior. My grandmother WEPT. She just wept.
As service ended, and as everyone got up, laughing and chatting (as church folk normally do) I sat there beside my grandmother and consoled her. She let the full weight of herself rest on my shoulder. As people were trying to have small talk, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to her pain, the lesson of the butterfly came back to mind.
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The butterfly with its complexities is one of the most beautiful creatures you will ever see. It doesn’t make much noise, but with the flutter of its wings — its presence is still felt. While its lifespan isn’t terribly long, it gracefully transitions wherever God takes it. Like the butterfly, my grandmother’s friend went quietly to the place where God was taking her and left a lasting impact by way of the precious moments my grandma was able to spend with her prior to her death. If we wouldn’t have been in town THIS weekend and if we would have gone to the beach and said “we’ll just see Mrs.Eloise tomorrow”, my grandmother wouldn’t have had time with her real-life butterfly before she transitioned.
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Lesson completed. What was the lesson: that like the butterfly, humans are transitory creatures wonderfully made by God yet awfully complexed.  We swiftly transition from birth to adolescence to adulthood and the afterlife almost as mysteriously as we came to be. Compared to eternity, our lives aren’t long at all so each peaceful moment of love should be cherished. Sure there is nothing wrong with wanting to do things for ourselves at times, but when compared to basking in creating memories of love — there is no comparison.
God has humbled me once again and left me in awe of His sovereignty and majesty. This weekend was not ‘luck’. These were not some random series of events selected by the ‘universe’. El Elyon, The Most High God divinely orchestrated each detail of our trip down to the date we chose to visit because He KNEW my grandmother needed that last day with her best buddy; and THROUGH this weekend, He has allowed me to grow once more by teaching me a lesson in love with a simple butterfly.
Be blessed and love more ya”ll,
– Joc
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30 Going on Forever

Turning 30 changed my life.

For the better.

For the first time ever, I am truly experiencing the freedom of adulthood – and it’s at times, unnerving.

In between a fresh start and a familiar end.

In between responsible bills and whimsical immaturity.

Turning 30 has unlocked a new dimension of health consciousness, relational consciousness, and self-discovery.

 

At this moment, I am the healthiest I’ve been in a LONG while. When I say that, I don’t mean everything is perfect, but I am more aware of my body – what goes in it and what comes out. It’s my desire to feed myself with things that are spiritually, emotionally, and physically good for me, while intentionally denying any and everything that is not.

I cook more at home. I spend more time with God. I spend more time with FAMILY. I am more open to failure, knowing that failure is an event, not a person. I’ve learned to reject the lies of finding the [perfect] man and being the [perfect] wife and [perfect] mother; choosing instead to embrace the future God has for me – which will in itself be perfectly tailored!

I’ve learned that it’s okay to say ‘no’. Just ‘no’ with no explanation needed; because not doing so can lead to wasted time and much pain. I’ve come to realize that it is not my obligation to entertain relationships (romantic or platonic) I truly have no interest in maintaining for the sake of “not hurting any feelings”. It’s okay for a friend to be a friend — nothing more, nothing less. It’s okay if I don’t “gel” with someone naturally — there are billions of people in this world and we are all perfectly different. I know that at times, God will separate us from people or situations that we would otherwise be too stubborn to separate ourselves from.

I know that as a creative soul, there will be a slump or two over time; but with God as my North Star and my great support system – that too shall pass.

I now know that I don’t have to wait to become a mother to love like one. There are so many little ones that I love and pray for with all of my heart and that’s just awesome.

Turning 30 has reminded me to –

— start that business!

— go on that date!

— hit the road!

— take that day off!

— sing that song!

I am so thankful for all that has transpired in my life (horrible and great) thus far. I am truly looking forward to growing in God for the next 70 + years and experiencing the great blessings in store!

— Joc

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Final Verdict on My Recent Anti-Fibroid Diet

This past weekend I let you in on my exhilarating experience in changing my diet to knock out the painful symptoms of fibroids and menstrual cycles while having them.

Day 4 – For breakfast, I found that saltine crackers are working well, so I stick with a few of those. It’s a Saturday so my day is filled with running errands, taxing family members around town and editing more photos from the wedding I photographed the week prior. Thank God I was able to finish off the last bit of salmon leftover from earlier in the week. I was able to pop it in the microwave and go! I felt like I was drinking more tea than water over the past few days, so I opted to drink water instead.  In between running errands, I had some time to reflect on how amazing I felt compared to how I felt a mere three weeks ago. UNBELIEVABLE! For dinner, I wanted to try something different so I decided to get about a pound of lean ground turkey (93% lean), brown rice, and make a Thai curry bowl using the leftover pineapple I had in the fridge. I was a little nervous because I’ve learned that bad fats exacerbates pain and nausea from fibroids but I decided to jump off the food ledge anyway and it paid off BIG TIME! While I finished up more work around town, I had a sweet potato baking in the oven and after sprinkling some plain cinnamon and a dash of kosher salt gobbled it up like it was a piece of cake!

 

Day 5 – Yesterday was the fifth day of my diet and it had the potential to be the most challenging yet. Up to this day, I had “max control” over prepping my food, but Sundays are usually the days where I not only eat two meals a day (before and after church), but I usually eat out with my family to bond. Of course, it felt like I was swatting down offers to try ‘this fried food’ and ‘that buttery roll’, but I made it through! I ordered the baked salmon with grilled mixed veggies and asked the waitress to leave off the lemon butter sauce (which no doubt would’ve tasted SO good!!! Uggghh) I also opted for a plain baked sweet potato with cinnamon instead of my beloved Caesar salad (the rich, creamy dressing is a no-no when it comes to cramps).  When I heard my grandma ask for brown sugar my heart lit up! After a quick Google search, I found that BROWN sugar does not complicate cramps like processed white sugar does. I IMMEDIATELY flagged down the waitress and asked her to add a small side-cup of brown sugar to my order. MAN OH MAN was I a happy camper! Not only was the salmon ON POINT (not as good as mine though.lol) but the brown sugar was the sweetness I’d been craving ALL DOGGONE WEEK! I didn’t even care that everyone else was drinking sweet tea and I had ice water.

 

So now I have neared the end of my little ‘experiment’ and I must say I am in PURE AWE of how God can heal us through FOOD of all things! This week has been the first in a little over 2 years that I have not experienced nausea and cramps during ‘lady week’ and if I will bare the honest truth to you all — I almost cried last night from the joy of it all. There is nothing like experiencing the warmth of the sun after battling through a cloudy, violent storm. So many dots are connecting in terms of behaviors, symptoms, and happenings. While I would’ve preferred not to have experienced the pain at all, I am grateful for what I’ve learned in spite of it and here are my main takeaways:

#1 FOOD… CAN… HEAL! Saying that humans complicate things is a gross understatement. We do it in the worst way and in every way! God is God. Elohim. The Creator of this whole kit-n-kaboodle we call a universe. He created us and knows what is good for our bodies — which is why He created certain foods with certain properties. While I enjoy the convenience of many processed foods and the speed in which I can have them on my table and the length of time they can be preserved in my panty — I now know without a shadow of a doubt, that it is not worth trading organic healing food properties for convenience. Will I drop EVERYTHING and start a farm tomorrow, never to eat at ChickFilA again? Probably not. But I will keep striving to steadily chance my lifestyle so I can make choices that keep my body happy and healthy.

#2 Being mindful of what you consume during your menstrual cycle can make or break your experience. As previously mentioned, the discomfort I experienced this past week was virtually nonexistent. By carefully choosing foods and drinks that were not only healthy but fibroid fighters, I traded in a bedridden week of sickness and gut-punching pain for a fancy-free week of effective productivity.

#3 Fibroids are the worst, but they don’t have to be. When I was diagnosed with having fibroids, I didn’t really know what to think or how to feel. I just knew I didn’t want them. I can honestly say that this week I felt shift internally and won’t be surprised if, after more time walking in this healthier lifestyle, my fibroids shrink away into oblivion. I have a few doctors appointments coming up so we will see how I’m doing! I know women who have had fibroids simply starve themselves off and never had to deal with them. I know women who have opted to have surgery instead. Either way, I am hopeful that fibroids won’t interfere or ruin my life. As long as I focus on living the best life God has for me, and praying for His guidance when it comes to making the wisest choices for ME — I will be alright. I will be BETTER than alright!

As I petitioned before, please keep me in your prayers as I continue to better myself and share the journey with you!

— Joc

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How I Knocked Out Fibroids in 3 Days by Changing What I Ate!

Before you read any further, let me stop you there.

When you first read the title of this post, many of you had no clue what fibroids are, let alone that I had them. Yep, surprise (sarcastic ‘woo-hoo’). The dictionary defines a fibroid as “a benign tumor of muscular and fibrous tissues, typically developing in the wall of the uterus.” I define it as “the come-to-Jesus experience that makes you realize you need God to help you make it from day to day”.

My experience with and eventual diagnosis of fibroids has been a long one and VERY trying one. Ever since “I became a woman” back in middle school, I have always experienced excruciating cramps; they run on my mom’s side of the family. It used to get so bad sometimes that I would have to fake a bathroom break or check out of school just so I can ball up in a corner, hold my aching stomach and cry. BUT I always told myself I was a warrior so I would just take the occasional pain reliever and deal with it. When I turned 28 alladat jump up about six decibels! The pain became almost unbearable at times — but again, being the warrior that I was, I chopped it up to getting older and moved on.

Then, shortly after I began dating my ex boyfriend I began noticing a different symptom. EXTREME fatigue. I thought it was because I was overworking my body juggling a full time job, my photography business, and a new budding dating life so I shrugged it off. Then about 6 months later yet ANOTHER symptom reared its ugly head — nausea. All my life I have NEVER had issues with feeling sick on my stomach unless I was dehydrated, had a bad cold virus, or ate something bad. But ohhhhh buddy, now it was making more surprise visits than a probation officer on Friday! Whenever it was “that time of the month” I began spending less time in the office and more time cleaning up the bathroom. Any stench, any whiff of the slightest polarizing smell would send my poor stomach churning and feet a’running! After my breakup with my ex, I figured life would be better since I would have more time to devote to getting my health back on track; so I fully expected my energy to return and my work-life balance to perk up. 

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My body determined THAT was a lie.

After countless comments on how I was “too young” to be THIS tired, I decided to ask my doctor about it and he said I was surprisingly borderline anemic. 

COME AGAIN MISSURE DOCTOR?! He suggested I begin taking iron supplements and overnight my energy returned. Problem solved right? Not quite. After about 5 – 6 months, my fatigue returned and my “lady week” symptoms intensified to the point where I was missing work. The pain and nausea was SO bad that I could barely stand or walk at times. Somebody say “BUT GOD”!

Long story short, I finally mentioned it to my gynecologist and after a few tests, it was determined I had tiny (but pesky) fibroids that were wreaking havoc on my life. That was about 4 months ago and after MUCH trial and error, I have FINALLY found a system that has not only decreased my pain, but has virtually wiped out the nausea; and I believe I am finally showing those fibroids who’s boss! giphy (50)

I began by researching ways to get rid of fibroid/menstrual symptoms. [If you know me personally, you know home girl here is going to do what she needs to do to find out how to get an answer!] Since I am currently transitioning into a Mediterranean Lifestyle, I wanted the most natural approach possible and there it was, God’s plan [cue Drake] — FOOD! It was like I hit the Jackpot at Harrah’s on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. God knew we’d have certain ailments and gave each earthen thing a purpose. I tried various methods for almost 2 months and this past week has proven to be the golden week!

HERE’S HOW IT’S GOING SO FAR……

DAY 1 – In my personal experience, the first day of my cycle typically proves to be one of the most challenging days pain-wise so I began this diet change by starting my day with a small pack (7) of saltine crackers and some Canada Dry ginger ale (it’s the only brand that uses real ginger). For lunch, outside smells lingering in my office had me a little nervous so I decided to eat another small pack (7) of saltines with a large tumbler glass of cold water. For dinner, we had family dinner at an aunt’s house who THANKFULLY prepared baked fish (seasoned only with salt, pepper, and crushed garlic) and made a simple salad (lettuce, tomato, onion). I drank the rest of my Canada Dry along with a small bottle of green tea w/mint.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Ginger, peppermint and cold water are KEY weapons when fighting nausea. So to all my black folk who grew up like me, being told to drink ginger ale to cure whatever ailed you, our moms were on to something back then! Also meats like pork or fried foods are a NO NO because they make menstrual cramps 10xs worse (personal experience). 20180420_184525.jpg

DAY 2 – I woke feeling a faint inkling of pain (on a scale of 1-10 it was a 0.5) so I decided chow down on a small bowl of pineapple for breakfast. I had a chance to stop by the grocery store after work the day before, so for lunch I feasted on the spoils of a homemade spinach-arugula salad. All I did was wash some of the greens and make my own dressing out of lemon juice, olive oil, kosher salt, and coarse black pepper. I topped my salad with some shreds of Parmesan cheese. Oh, I had green tea w/mint to drink. For dinner I had to think fast and picked out a couple of pieces of wild caught salmon. Since I had to meet a client-friend at her house for a project, I needed something fast, but still in line with keeping my annoying symptoms away. Within 30 minutes dinner was ready: foil broiled garlic herb salmon with fresh cooked pole beans (cooked in stock and seasoned with herbs). I drank green tea w/mint as well as water but still craved something sweet! (sidebar, ladies ain’t it crazy how the very thing that will cause us the most pain, we want?!). Since refined and processed sugars exacerbate fibroid/menstrual pain, I treated myself to 2 mini squares of Ghirardelli 82% Midnight Reverie Dark Chocolate. 20180419_182149.jpg

IMPORTANT NOTE: Again, I piled on the green, cruciferous vegetables like spinach and arugula because they help replenish important vitamins that help diminish period woes and replace some of the iron that you often lose due to the fibroids. Again, processed, meats that are high in bad fat can cause inflammation which makesm fibroids WORSE, so I decided to stay with a lean meat like salmon which has healthy Omega-3 fats. Now I know you’re wondering about the chocolate. Dark chocolate over 70% has little to no sugar at all which ACTUALLY makes it healthy for you — in moderation of course. It contains magnesium which works wonders when you’re looking to drive away those debilitating cramps!

DAY 3 – By this point, I’ve prayed daily for God to do His work (specifically in this matter) and He has continued to do just that! Since the pineapple almost tenderized the roof of my mouth to a pulp earlier in the week (look up bromelain) I decided to nurse it with about 4 saltine crackers and some green tea w/mint. For lunch I warmed up some leftover salmon and pole beans from the night before. The apocalyptic spring weather has had my nose a little haywire, so for dinner I opted to pick up some pozole from my favorite Mexican restaurant and fix a spinach-arugula salad w/ homemade lemon dressing. I was still hungry so I took a small trunk of broccoli and ate the florets to top me off! I washed it down with some cold water. For dessert I ate 2 mini squares of Ghirardelli 72% Intense Twilight Dark Chocolate. 20180420_183017

For those who don’t know, my second love language is Spanish! I love many things from Spanish culture (se amo la cultura espanola!) and food is a MAJOR part of it. Pozole is a soup made numerous ways, but the version I ate was made of chile guajillo broth, radishes, cabbage, hominy, and shredded chicken that was prepared on the stove-top grill. This was a light, healthy way to tame those worrisome fibroids and that hateful pain and nausea. Radishes combined with the arugula help to tame the estrogen feeding the fire inside my uterus. 20180420_184303.jpg

At this point in my journey, I am convinced (and equally shocked) that we can heal ourselves of so much by just changing our habits and what we put in our body.  I gathered most of my research from Livestrong.com, Dr. Oz, and a few other sources which you can easily Google. Three days into ‘lady week’ last month, I was home from work sprawled out on my floor crying, desperately trying to grab on to that Holy Hem of Jesus’ garment to heal me. But this month, I know I feel like a new woman! I KNOW God to be a healer and have EXPERIENCED first hand His miracles; I am thankful that He thought enough of us to give us just what we need naturally. I plan to continue this “fibroid diet” and want to know if any of you other ladies out there have found comfort in switching up your diet when it’s your time of the month. I plan to hit the gym and walk for at least 15 – 20 minutes tomorrow to stay active and if you believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior, I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I journey towards healing from the thorns that are fibroids.

For more information on fibroids, symptoms, and what foods to eat/not eat, check here!

Bless up ya’ll and don’t forget to let me hear from you!

-Joc

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Fear Meets Faith …. Now What?

Good morning, good day, and all that other good jazz. If you visited me two days ago you will have read a very transparent post in where I shared what’s been going on in my life over the past three years. The way it ended however bothered me. I felt like I wasn’t doing a much as I could (from a Christian standpoint) to offer specific tools to overcome and fight fear. Well below is one of the tools that I have personally used recently in combination with my normal bible/prayer time.

What is it Joc?

It’s a list of declarations to help you focus and center your attention on God whenever problems begin to overwhelm you or fear tries to seep into your day. Around the summer of 2016, I came across a testimonial video of this guy named Tony Kell who experienced anxiety to the point he didn’t leave his house out of fear something bad would happen to him. In the video, he discussed that as an alternative to anxiety medication, he decided to take some sound advice and try fighting anxiety in the spirit. I saved the video to one of my Youtube playlists and began listening to it whenever I would feel that “feeling” creeping up again.

To my delight, as I have been growing after my bad experience, so has he; even going so far as to make videos to document what has helped him and how he is living differently than he did when he allowed fear to rule his life. One of the things he recently did was offer to email any who wanted it a list of declarations that he uses daily.

Now of course I’d already consulted my mother (who is a minister) and my pastor, but it never hurts to have more ways to get your mind set on victory! I sent him a message and within a couple of hours, the list below was in my inbox. I printed 3 copies off and keep 1 in my purse, 1 in my desk at work, and 1 to have around the house. You don’t have to do the same thing, but I’m telling you, just like those sisters learned to read in The Color Purple, having God’s Word before you helps it to stick! Having ANYTHING before you helps it stick! As a matter of fact, a ton of personal stuff has been going on in my life and last night  I had a moment. With the snow storm blasting through the state and being inside with my thoughts while looking after my grandmother, things started to (unconsciously) weigh on me and I felt myself slowly becoming overwhelmed. If you have EVER had a panic attack, it is NOT the bee’s knees. If you can stop it before it comes — GREAT! As a matter of fact, that is exactly what I did when I started feeling pressure building up in my chest and my senses tingling and my fingers becoming numb — it was then I remembered this list in my purse and whipped it out!

I began reading down the list (even though I didn’t immediately feel a difference) and it seemed as though the more I read (when I began) the stronger fear began to set it. So I kept reading it like I was looking right at the fear/devil that was trying to overwhelm me and got mad! Cape on the back SUPA mad. By the time I read the list the second time through I was calm.

No meds, just Word.

If you need counseling get it. If you HAVE to take meds, take them. BUT know that that alone won’t “cure” you of your anxiety and overload. You have to attack the root of the trouble and that’s done in the spiritual realm. Having spiritual weapons powering the natural weapons, the natural weapons are much more effective.

Blessings, Joc

I DECLARE AND DECREE

IN THE NAME OF JESUS:

 

-I REFUSE TO WORRY

-I REFUSE TO FEAR

-I DO NOT FEAR AND WILL NOT FEAR

-I WILL WALK IN PEACE

-I HAVE PEACE IN MY HEART

– I HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST

-I’M CALM

-I WILL GET GOOD SLEEP

-I WILL WAKE UP REFRESHED

-I WILL WAKE UP RENEWED

-I WILL NOT GIVE UP

-I CAN DO THIS

-I’M COURAGEOUS

-I’M BRAVE

-I’M STRONG

-I WALK IN PEACE

-I WILL OVERCOME THIS

-I WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT

-I’M A VICTOR AND NOT A VICTIM

-I’M ABOVE AND NEVER BENEATH

-I’M THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL

-THE LORD WILL RESTORE ME

-I HAVE A SOUND MIND

-I HAVE A PEACEFUL MIND

-I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH

-I WAS NOT BORN WITH A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT A SPIRIT OF LOVE, POWER, AND A SOUND MIND

-I HAVE DOMINION OVER MY THOUGHTS AND I THINK GOOD THINGS ABOUT MYSELF IN JESUS NAME

-I HAVE POWER AND AUTHORITY OVER THE DEVIL AND DEMONS AND THEY ARE SUBJECT TO ME

-I HAVE THE PEACE OF GOD OVERFLOWING IN EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE

-I AM NOT AFRAID OR ANXIOUS – I AM STRONG, I AM AT PEACE, I AM AN OVERCOMER

-THIS TOO SHALL PASS

-I AM FREE BECAUSE THOSE THE LORD SETS FREE ARE FREE INDEED, SO I AM FREE!

-NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER

-I’M BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED

-SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME

-MY BEST DAYS ARE OUT AHEAD OF ME

-I HAVE THE LOVE OF GOD IN MY HEART AND PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR

-THIS HAS TO GO IN JESUS NAME AND I WILL NEVER DEAL WITH IT AGAIN

-THE LORD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME- HE IS WITH ME ALWAYS

-THE LORD WILL NOT ALLOW MORE THAN WHAT I CAN HANDLE – SO I CAN HANDLE THIS AND -I’M COMING OUT STRONGER THAN I WAS BEFORE GOING THROUGH THIS

-THE BATTLE IS HIS AND THE VICTORY IS MINE

-JESUS LIVES IN ME AND GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD

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When Fear Meets Faith

I know the title has you all ready and amped for a SLEW of inspiration right? Well that is exac…..sort of what you’ll get.

I believe (from experience) that it’s best to keep some things to yourself. Just for you and no one else. There are other things that I believe you WANT to keep to yourself, but feel compelled to share because it could help someone else. This is one of those things.

 

adultingThe past three years have been my “growing pain BETA” years. Prior to 2015 I was a SUPER optimistic, try anything, risk taking, blind faith having, blissfully faithful woman excited for the future and all that it had to offer her. Today I am still all of those things, but that woman is learning to move forward after have been lied to by fear.

Yep. Fear. One of the most filthy, underhanded tricks the devil uses to keep us stuck. Journeying from high school to college, I’d learned how to be fearless and in 2015 (though life wasn’t perfect) I was on the edge of a MAJOR period of self-discovery and purpose. Then it happened. Fear came gallivanting with its ole ugly self right into my life.

If you’ve read my post What’s the Cost of Carrying Your Dreams? then you know just how loudly it arrived.

So now, going on three years later, how am I doing?

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I’m here.chrissy-teigens-cry-face-was-the-greatest-thing-t-2-12890-1421106645-0_dblbig

I have honestly never fathomed that I’d EVER be as affected by stress, fear, or anxiety as I have been these past few years. Shoot, anxiety was never in my vocabulary! I’d seen others struggle with it but could never really understand what they were afraid of or HOW they could be afraid of something simple as saying hello, going to parties, or road tripping alone. As I type this, still fighting to keep the residue of fear from my life, I can say that I finally understand. I understand how one bad experience can REALLY change your life. I understand the embarrassment of excusing yourself out of plans to places you want to go with people you really want to be around because you’re afraid something is going to go wrong. I know the disappointment that comes along with knowing you’re overreacting/overthinking on paper, but struggle to convince your mind to get with the program. I know the tight, uncomfortable feeling that bubbles up when you begin to analyze a situation too much. I know what it’s like to desperately reach out to God, KNOWING He’s just a prayer away, only to get distracted by the darkness of dread blocking your view. I know what it’s like to feel “stuck” and aimless because you want the past to leave you alone but it keeps driving past your house.

I never wanted to know, but I know.

Before fear crossed my path, I was open to go anywhere with virtually any one and enjoyed every ounce of life – even the bad parts – because I knew it was going to get better. My hope was in God and because I had my sight straight on Him, all of the chaos that was my life never fazed me. At all. Resilience was (and still is) my spirit animal. (cue the track ….can’t nobody hoooooold meeeeeee doooown oh no, I got to keep on moooovinnnnnn’.) But after 2015, I struggled ya’ll. And when I really think about it, the part that makes me so angry is not necessarily that I allowed myself to get so worn down that fear had an entry point into my life, it’s that I allowed it to change aspects of who I am. I’m a godmother, but I haven’t been to visit my goddaughter in over a year. I am an adventure seeker, but lately my adventures have been confined to a 200 mile radius. I was a single, feisty, bubbly optimist looking to get back on the dating scene and make new memories with a great guy, but part of why I haven’t been dating recently is because most of my time is spent trying to get back the spunk I once had before; so WHOEVER I date and eventually marry will know the “true me” – not the anxious, small town, humdrum, unadventurous me.

Talk about MISERY! There are few things worse than a creative soul who feels they are stifled from the world and experiences that inspire them so much. BUT this brings me to today. I am here.

giphyI am disgustingly grateful for the relationship I have with Jesus Christ. As a child of God, I can keep on making daily strides because I know that God sees me and has put enough stubborn strength inside of me to make it through anything! At the end of the day, this experience has taught me to:

 

#1 Rely TOTALLY on God because regardless of how we have our life mapped out, if it doesn’t line up with what He desires, it’s ain’t happ’nin cap’n.

#2 Recognize the spiritual nature of ANY difficult time and know that with the proper understanding of how POWERFUL God is compared to anything being thrown at you, you’ll survive!

#3 Not allow myself to get so worn out that I leave myself spiritually and physically vulnerable to sickness, mental attacks, and burnout.

#4 Continue seeking PROFESSIONAL help! I have NEVER been one to oppose therapist. If I could (and had the money) I would become one myself to help someone else! God gives us spiritual weapons, but He also has given us physical ones too. I will continue to seek help to better myself and be better than before.

#5 Take time to breathe if I need to and don’t feel apologetic. There is only one of me, so when progress isn’t going as quickly as I want or expect it to, I need to just take some time to get some fresh air, not answer non-urgent calls, or take a day to do whatever I feel like doing and not feel bad about it.

#6 Keep going when you have a setback. In the journey to overcome your past you may have a set back from time to time. Shoot, you may go months or years feeling better, then find yourself blindsided by the past creeping up again. I have learned to catch my breath, get my bearings, then keep on moving forward regardless of HOW uncomfortable I feel.

#7 Find comfort in knowing I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Regardless of how stressed I am or how many times fear tries sneak up behind me, this won’t last always. I know that I am getting better each day and that I am still the same Jocelyn, just different. God will allow me to use EVERYTHING I’ve experienced to help someone else who is just coming face to face with the same thing. I am convinced that considering how MAJOR the devil has been attacking me, I am due for a MAJOR blessing and testimony and purpose.

giphy (1)

So to those who know the LORD and have a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ – keep me in your prayers. To my friends who have kept me encouraged and challenged me to step back out into the unknown, I thank you and am forever grateful for your friendship. Most of all, I am thankful to have supportive parents who have not thrown me aside to fend for myself just because I’m grown. I am still their kid and I know that regardless of what ANYONE says, I will NOT be made to feel ashamed for the blessing of their friendship when I know that most can only WISH for parents like them. Ya’ll keep me lifted in love.

Blessings,

Joc

 

 

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Random Thoughts on Life

It feels awkward being caught between faith and feelings.  You’re in limbo between what your heart says and what your mind thinks.

The choice is yours and only yours — and I believe that is exactly what makes it such an uncomfortable place to reside.

 

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