An Evening of Release….

Last night I had a huge evening of release (I won’t call it a breakdown) because I temporarily lost sight of the bible scripture that I’ve been holding onto all year…”But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. [Corinthians 2:9]” 

broserIt’s been YEARS since I’ve had a release like this but I tell you one thing, I’m thankful to the only true God that He has blessed me with godly parents who give sound, godly advice. Last night my mom called to check up on me to see how I was feeling (I’ve been under the weather since the weekend). A simple ‘check up’ call turned into a venting session and I literally shed tears. I admitted to her that despite the fact that I have a job and the fact that I am grateful for my blessings, I was still feeling ‘stuck’. ANY creative individual knows exactly what I am talking about – ESPECIALLY if you come from a small town/humble beginnings. You have to do what you have to do to fund your dream or discover your passions. You are not ‘made’ to work a typical ‘crunching numbers’ job for the rest of your life because you thrive off of creativity and expression. And if you’re not careful, you’ll allow your ‘dream deferred’ to drive you crazy! 

So yep. That’s how I was feeling. My creativity stifled and my dreams on hold. Shoot, I was even to the point of second guessing my dreams. (sad I know). But in talking to my mom I realized that I’ve been slowly isolating myself even more than usual BECAUSE I was allowing my frustrations to tire me out – therefore I wasn’t staying connected to the creative people and outlets that I’m accustomed to. I was reading my bible and praying constantly to God for guidance, but I wasn’t being still and taking heed to the numerous chill pills He was trying to throw out at me. I prayed, but I still allowed ‘worry’ to fill the spaces of my mind and crowd out the ‘faith’ that I have worked so hard to grow. To sum it up, my mind has been contradicting what my heart knows.

“Eye hath not seen…”

My mom reminded me that when I’m feeling trapped; I need to call up some of my creative friends and just talk. Or drive out somewhere and have some ‘alone’ time. She called me out – I admit it. I have been trying so hard to ensure my life lines up to God’s will for my life, I sort of forgot that God’s will is exactly that…HIS will. I just need to play my part through faith, keep living a godly life and allow Him to take care of the rest. 945237_10100882035041751_88925599_n

Another thing that has been adding fuel to the flame of my frustration (and I’d hate to admit it) are my personal relationship battles. I’m not just talking strictly romantic, but friendship wise too. Since I rededicated my life to Christ, I had to do some shifting and rearranging as it dealt with the people I was spending my time with and the activities I was involved in. ANYONE who knows me from before 2010/2011 knows that I LOOOOOOVED a good party. Dancing was something that I loved and being around people – but when I did a 180, I found it challenging to connect with people who still excited me, but in a Christian manner.

POINT: I LOVE all of  the friends that I’ve had the opportunity to meet in my life, but as a devout Christian, there are just some places I can’t go any more and certain things I can’t partake in if I want to stay focused on my walk in the right direction. So when that’s the only thing you really have in common with people and you don’t do those things anymore — it kind of breaks down the friendship to ‘let’s do lunch’ ya know??

The same is with romantic relationships. I have dated some good guys that didn’t work, and some losers that I’m SO glad didn’t work. It’s been almost 3 years since my last relationship (which was definitely one for the horror books) and I’ve been using this time to heal and focus on being a better ‘me’. Now I feel like I’m ready to step back out onto the dating scene; but this is the first time I’ve dated from an honest, Christian standpoint. No night clubs, no going out for drinks – just old fashioned getting to know a guy. I have met some guys who were nice people, but their Christian walk is almost non existent. I’ve met some guys who have ‘potential’ and really cool dreams, but have no desire to do anything with those dreams and are content with living in a town with one light, working at a minimum wage job that they hate and never plan to finish their schooling even IF it means getting further in life. But perhaps the most confusing to me right now are the guys who are basically everything I could ask for – but they are so focused on their careers, they can’t seem to carve out enough free time to dedicate to actually date someone! It blows my mind! 

DCLARESo as you can see from this lengthy blog post, a lot has been clouding my mind. BUT I am happy to report that since that talk with my mom last night, my focus has been redirected and I have no pulled my hand away from the steering wheel of my life and will continue to let God drive. He doesn’t need help. I just need to stay in my position and move when He tells me….not when I think it’s a good move. Needless to say, I’ve been happier today than I have been in the past few months.

Thank God.

– Joc





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