My timelines and mini-feeds are flooded DAILY with posts and status from men/women questioning “if there are any good ________ out there.”
They are “tired of the same ole same ole”….”sick of bummy dudes cheating on them despite the fact that they give them everything”….”trying to figure out where all the ‘queens’ are…the list goes on and on (and on).
Though I’m young in years, I know that DATING like they did it in the ‘days of old’ is the key to knocking out most of these questions and frustrations.
Let’s look at how dating was a few decades ago…..
STEP 1 – You are friends and spend time together
STEP 2 – You express your interest and go on ‘dates’ to find out more about the other person. (if you find that they aren’t someone you’re interested in romantically you stop it right there and either stay JUST friends or nothing at all).
STEP 3- If things go well, you begin to date exclusively (meaning NO one else in the equation and no sexual intimacies)
STEP 4- Enter into a long term relationship which leads to marriage.
Not to say everything went perfectly and everyone played by the book, but for the most part this was the overall standard on how things rolled.
Looking at the ‘dating’ scene today, you could get any manner of situations….
STEP 1 – You see someone out or in the club you think is cute and exchange numbers or have sex
STEP 2- You chill on the regular (aka have sexual relations) and eventually call yourself “talking”; meaning you are an item, but are free to do whatever you want with whomever because you are not in a CONFIRMED committed relationship.
STEP 3 – You grow used to the person and start living together or driving each others cars or having each other babies or putting major purchases in each other’s names despite the fact that you’re not confirmed as an exclusive couple
STEP 4- One or both of parties start to wonder “what are we”? and demand commitment, but when they get told “you know how I feel about you” still stay in the “situationship” and settle with life the way it is waiting for the day you get a commitment (sometimes one of the parties get fed up and actually leave the relationship but most times that takes years)
STEP 5 – Stay in a sexually physical relationship for more than 2 years awaiting the day you (A) feel like you’re tired of playing around and are finally ready to settle down or (B) finally get the ring you’ve wanted forever.
Not saying successful relationships haven’t come from scenarios like this, but often times it’s like 1% that come out together in the end. This is also not to say that people dating the “old fashion way” don’t break up either — I’m calling attention to the point that it will help weed out a few bad seeds before you’re in too deep.
Here is what I would suggest doing if you want a meaningful and successful relationship (and yes, I am working on practicing this myself):
#1 When you meet a person you think you’re interested in, make it known that you’re interested by suggesting you go on a date or hang out. If you’re a woman who wants the guy to ask YOU, don’t give him a hard time and make him guess — let him know you’re interested in him. This could be something as simple as a smile. If you’re a smiley person…um you may want to try something else. haha
#2 Once it’s established that interests are sparked and you go on your first date and DO NOT INTRODUCE SEX!!!! This will totally cloud your better judgement I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FLIP WHAT ANYONE SAYS! Soul ties are real and you can be the ‘hardest dude’ or ‘baddest chick’ out here…you still have a heart and your feelings will get played with. Take time to get to know about the person you’re on a date with. Their interests, their background, what they currently do. If at the end of the date you’re feeling like this isn’t going to work. Suggest you continue hanging out as friends….other wise, just cut it off.
#3 If you find yourself going on multiple dates with ONE person in particular, and introduce kissing and touching, I think it’s safe to say that you are ready for an exclusive relationship. MEANING you should stop dating anyone else you have lined up. This is VERBALLY established. No ghost texting or wondering…it is understood by BOTH parties that you are not to date ANYONE ELSE. This will make things sticky, messy, and a lot of wires can get crossed. If you’re into one person in particular…BE into them. If you keep stringing 2 or 3 other folks along – what’s going to happen when you’re ready for marriage? You just gonna cut them off out of the blue? Are you going to cheat because you don’t know who you love? EXCLUSIVE denotes ONE!!! So do that!
#4 Eventually you find yourself exclusively dating someone for 6 months to 2 years…it’s time to start thinking about marriage. By this time you should be pretty familiar with the person’s family and their habits. Not to say you will know EVERYTHING about them, but you should know the important stuff. I still wouldn’t suggest living together — even IF it’s “gonna happen anyway”. This leaves the door WIDE open for sex and even though you’ve probably been dating each other for awhile, it still may cloud your judgement. Say you find out something terrible after a year and a half of dating. You’d be lying to yourself if you say that sex wouldn’t cloud your better judgement. Shoot, if it were me, I’d be weighing out the pros and cons of this thing; so I know you would be too! SEX can lead you to make decisions you otherwise wouldn’t. Not saying you have to be perfect, I’m just making the point that your relationship could be that much more exciting if you save everything until AFTER you’re married. It gives you something to work for…to look forward to.
If you’ve been living with the same person or in a relationship with the same person for over 2 years and you’re an adult…it’s time to think about marriage or get out. Though I know plenty of people who have ‘common law marriages’….I personally don’t agree with them. I still love the people, I just think that they rob you and your ‘special someone’ or the happiness and adventure that is marriage. If you’ve been living with someone for 8 or 9 years, have kids by them, share the same bed, and do everything else a married couple does — but STILL don’t get married….I just don’t understand, nor do I desire to. If you’re a woman who wants to get married and have been with the same guy for 15 years, he’s probably not going to marry you. There goes your marriage benefits and TECHNICALLY if he cheats on you, you can’t say too much because essentially you’re just dating.
I also don’t agree with getting married JUST because or just to have sex and get government privileges. That’s a slap in the face to the blessedness of marriage. It’s like you’re taking it as a joke. TAKE YOUR TIME…DO IT RIGHT….ok I’ll stop before I start singing the entire song.
But do you get me? Great!