So this morning while eating breakfast I came across a blog post on a friend’s social media page titled: SEX: The fight your flesh does not want to win. I immediately knew that this was something I wanted to read.
I’m so glad I did.
If you’ve followed my blog for awhile, you’ll learn a few things about my story; one being I am a woman practicing celibacy after sex. Though it’s gotten somewhat easier over time, it’s still a struggle to stay sexually pure … ESPECIALLY since everything and [seemingly] everyone around us advocates for the antithesis. Yet, being a Christian doesn’t require you to be “in the crowd” or always agree with popular opinion.
This brings me to the blog.
Now that I’m on the other side of sex, I can say with a sober mind that it’s harder to stop than it is to abstain. Once you know the experience, it’s tougher to stop than it is to hold on to the V-Card (while that’s a challenge in its own right.) It’s not impossible though. Lyss (the author) does a fantastic job laying it out in her blog post. It’s a daily journey and it takes work and care — even if it seems extreme, do what you have to do for YOU! I’m still single so I’m not going to say at the end of the journey God will bless you with the best husband ever or a satisfying sex life after marriage, but I DO know, it will bring you closer to God and help you date with a CLEAR mind and CLEAR heart. Enough of my chitter chatter, take a look at the post below:
Your stomach balls up, clenched by shame and regret.
You never thought you would get to this point… Your mind races back to the first moments as you scramble to figure out why and how this could have happened.
This person wasn’t you… It’s not who you are supposed to be and it certainly was never who you sought out to be.
You remain silent.
The pattern repeats.
You are convinced that he is the one… We will get married.
You find yourself reasoning. You justify the cost.
You cry. Silent tears that only you see. Silent tears that want to scream.
How do I escape this? How can I stop?
You think back to the first time you crossed the line…
Every time was easier after that.
You’re ashamed. You’re stuck.
You’re not alone…
This is the story of many young women.
What I am about to say is for the girls who are struggling, lost, and filled with guilt. It’s also for the girl who has never had her first kiss.Because the truth is, no matter who you are, where you come from, or what you believe— purity is one of the hardest things you will commit to do.
First, friends, please understand this: No matter your physical past, you are NOT stuck. If you want forgiveness, it’s yours. Jesus gives it freely and He has His arms wide open to envelope you in love. Please do not live in the prison of shame.
Colossians 1:14 (MSG) says, “God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He’s set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.”
Wherever you are, know that my heart is to see you have the most beautiful relationship that glorifies Jesus, and because of this I am willing to challenge you to get there.
Before you even enter a relationship I want you to come face-to-face with the reality of three things:
- (If you are alive in this world) you WILL be tempted with sexual sin.
- EVERYTHING, good and bad, in a relationship starts small.
- Without a plan, you will not succeed.
The battle of purity is the fight your flesh does not want to win.
How can we realistically save ourselves for marriage when we know the world tells us “it’s okay”?
How can we actively fight our flesh? And maybe even more important, how can we stop when we have found ourselves crossing lines we never intended to cross?
No one is immune to falling into sexual sin. I sure wasn’t. It was a battle to stay pure at every new season in my relationship with Austyn. We had to be intentional and prepared and even though it was hard, I can tell you today – it’s so worth it.
In just a few days we will be getting married… Waiting was hard— there is no doubt about that. But what God has for us in marriage is beautiful.
Here are six things that helped us win the battle for purity, and I know it will help you too.
1. PUT JESUS FIRST IN YOUR LIFE.
You always hear people say “Keep Jesus at the center of your relationship.”
But what does that actually look like?
Putting Jesus at the center of your relationship will not happen unless you both are putting Him first, daily, in your own personal lives.
When you pursue a relationship with Jesus and put Him first, you are laying down your own flesh and selfish desires before you ever run into temptation. Check your heart.
How can you fight if you are spiritually running on empty?
2. KNOW YOUR “WHY”.
Why do you believe in not having sex before marriage? Do you actually know?
Genuinely ask yourself this question! It’s okay to realize that you may not have a good answer. You have identified a weak spot beforehand, now you can go find answers!
The Bible tells us very clearly why we should not have sex before marriage, but you need to seek those answers in the Word on your own so they can be real to you.
3. YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION, YOU ARE THE RULE.
We cannot allow room for ANY evil, or even the appearance of evil. No matter what. Even if you know 100% that “We would never do that.”
This lie we tell ourselves is the perfect opportunity for the devil to come in.
Is it worth it? Nope.
Here is the truth: You are not superwoman with your ability to battle temptations, and you can’t treat yourself as such.
For instance, when Austyn and I began dating we made a rule that being alone in a house together was not an option. This was decided before we even kissed, so why should it matter? If we hadn’t even kissed we certainly would not be tempted to have sex.
Fast forward a year later – if we had not set that boundary early on, we could easily have fallen into temptation… Because I am not superwoman. I am a young woman who is capable of falling into temptation like anyone else.
Always treat yourself as the rule, never the exception, and you will be helping your future self.
4. SET UNWAVERING BOUNDARIES.
A common thing I tell girls, who have found themselves crossing boundaries they never thought they would cross, is to “Put the line down where it hurts.”
If you find yourself crossing boundaries in a car, maybe you need to save the kissing for when you’re out of the car. If something “hurts” to cut out, that can be a good indication that you should draw a line and make a new boundary. Boundaries can be added, but they should never be taken away.
The truth is, if you move it even a little bit you will find it easy to disregard your boundaries altogether. And to be honest, that is exactly what will happen.
5. GET ACCOUNTABILITY.
Nope, your accountability partner is not your boyfriend or fiancé.
You need someone from the outside who can see things clearer than you and who will boldly ask you the uncomfortable questions.
Oh yeah. The questions you hope they will not ask, but need them to.
The healthy fear of knowing someone will check up on you will help you in hard moments. Make sure you trust your accountability partner and verbally give them permission to ask the hard questions.
It is so powerful to have someone running alongside you and cheering you on!
6. PHYSICALLY PACE YOURSELF.
This one is the hardest for people to apply…
Why? Because it requires being honest with yourself and, typically, doing the opposite of what you want.
I can tell you from personal experience – this is the most critical step, next to your relationship with Jesus. Where are you headed, physically?
If you’re dating, let’s assume that you have plans (or, at least in your head) for marriage.
Are you in school?
How many years do you have before you both can make that commitment?
Do you even want to get married soon?
Let’s say that you think you will get married in 2-3 years or have at least two years before you would even consider marriage.
You have already been dating for a few months and the likelihood that you will have your first kiss soon is very high. If you kiss now, and still have a while of dating left, do you think you are physically pacing yourself for success?
Are you going to be able to handle that level of temptation in the long run? If you are human, the odds are against you because the truth is the longer you wait, the harder it becomes.
The reason I am asking the hard questions, and challenging you to do the hard things, is because not falling into sexual sin before marriage IS HARD.
But, I know you can do it….
This week I will walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams. I remember when I was young and I made the decision to wait and give everything to my husband.
And together we fought to wait.
Even if you have struggled with sexual sin in the past, what the devil meant for shame, hurt, and brokenness, can be redeemed. God wants your story to be beautiful.
Waiting is worth it. The fight is worth it. Saying no now is actually saying an ecstatic “YES” later on.
Always cheering you on,