Tag Archives: ptsd

I Could Have Been Her. [Trauma While Black]

Every day on my way to work I come to a familiar (and awkward) intersection; finding myself face to face with the woman of “what could have been”.

Let me explain.

I work in a small town and often see faces of people from yearbooks past and find out what most I graduated with don’t – what happened to __________?! Back in college, one of my high school acquaintances and I became closer and began hanging out with each other more. This meant meeting each other’s families and knowing parents and cousins on a first name basis. I distinctly remember one special cousin in particular who would come up to the college to hang out in our rooms some weekends. Cousin and my friend were more like sisters really! She was still in high school (about 3 years younger than us) and I remember her being so entranced by the college life. She was tall, skinny and was a really pretty girl overall. She would LOVE getting into some of everything, asking a million questions and sticking her nose into everyone’s business. To her college was another world.

Well, as college progressed, my friend and I eventually went our separate ways and adventured into young adult life. This also meant we didn’t see each other’s families like we once did – including Cousin.

Fast forward 11 or 12 years, and notice a strange woman aimlessly wandering up and down the street not far from where I work. It’s common to see kids skipping school or people saving gas by walking, but I quickly noticed that this woman was different. Not wanting to be rude, I’d try to sneak a glance at her face, but it seemed every time I passed her on the way to work she’d be walking IN my direction, so I’d have to turn all the way around to see her face. One day, I decided to just throw caution to the wind and look around. What I saw broke my heart.

It was Cousin.

She had transformed into someone virtually unrecognizable. Her hair had been shaved. She’d picked up at least a good extra 80 pounds and she had the distinctive stare of someone who had suffered mental trauma. Growing up in and out of hospitals and meeting countless of my mother’s special education students, I have developed a knack for recognizing when something is “not all there” with someone. Cousin had that stare. Since then, I’ve studied her as I drive to work. I’ve even waved a time or two to no avail. Her blank stare and babbling otherworldly chatter leads me to speculate – what happened? What happened to transform this giddy, lively girl into a woman who may not even know where she is most times?

Did she have an accident where she sustained a brain injury that left her incapacitated? Did she have a surgery that went wrong? Did she experience a traumatic experience that triggered the onset of mental illness? Is she under a spiritual attack?!

Looking at her each week puts me into a reflective state of “she could have been me”. She could have been any one of us really. Think about your own life for a few minutes.

Have you experienced a heartbreak or trauma that could have made you “lose your mind”?

Were you ever involved in an accident or event where you could have suffered a brain injury?

Have you ever felt the weight of your problems plunge you in a spiritual darkness, constantly hovering over you?

The truth is YOU and I escaped those things. Cousin, unfortunately, didn’t.

Take time today to really check on your friends, families, and classmates. Offer them an encouraging word if you notice on social media (or in passing) that they are struggling with something. Encourage them to seek professional and spiritual help. Let them know that there is NOTHING wrong with investing in a therapist and spiritual counselor. There is still mass stigma in the black community regarding seeking professional help for trauma.  It’s one thing to not be able to afford it, it’s another to simply dismiss the benefit of it.

As long as I see Cousin, I will continue to thank God that while I could have been her, I am not her! I will continue praying for her…her family…that they get the answers and help they seek. I don’t truly know what had happened to her, but I pray whatever it is, she stays safe, that she doesn’t hurt anyone else and that we all count our blessings!

— Joc


ps. Here are some helpful recources for you if you want more information specifically catered for African Americans!

  1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/african-american

  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201111/why-african-americans-avoid-psychotherapy

  3. https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/

  4. http://bridgehavencounseling.org/counseling/profile-of-omar-king/


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Being Alone May Scare You But….

When I saw this on my friend’s Facebook page I HAD to repost it. For one thing, I’m up late working. On another note, I’ve lived this before — it’s the driving force in why I am a better woman today, a stronger woman at that! Because I went through the ringer,  and now know the importance of keeping God first (seriously, not a cliche) and being wise in your relationship decisions.

I’ll be very transparent here. Back in high school a guy I dated cheated on me. Plain and simple. I was a goody-goody and almost everything went over my head (though I thought I was on my Deliver Us From Eva trip. haha WRONG). But instead of getting out of the relationship, I stayed longer than I should (dumb high school mindset). As a result, that led to a few bad relationships shortly after — all the way up to college really. I was damaged and didn’t even know it. It didn’t click that the reason I was making bad decisions in guys was due to the fact that I wasn’t healed from the bad relationships long ago!

Psalm 147:3 ESV

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

The person I was leaving out of my relationships (even way back then) was God. I wasn’t strong in my relationship with Him and was ignorantly fixed on the assumption that I could heal myself — well I really didn’t think I needed healing in the first place! I self medicated myself by NOT addressing why I was choosing guys that weren’t good for me and all I was doing was making things worse for myself.

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: You may be thinking to yourself “I’ve heard enough of these stories to last my entire life”, but trust it is the truth! You should be single “on purpose” ….meaning don’t just wallow in your singleness, feel sorry for yourself, or want somebody JUST to have someone. Try delving into your career. Make friends. Go out. Casually date. Grow in your relationship with God — once you master that, your entire life will change! SERIOUSLY. You will be intentional about dating, weed out the bad ones, and make wise/smart choices in mates. Trust that it beats being emotionally and mentally damaged by a relationship.

– Joc

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