Tag Archives: singleness

Lessons For Marriage and Life (according to Corinthians 7-9)

Every single day starts out with time for God in my house. Whether it’s a morning devotion, bathroom worship session, or just talking/praying – I know the importance of putting God first in your schedule. CELIBATE

Over the past few weeks I’ve been drawn to I Corinthians (I eventually plan to study, in depth, Paul’s letters to ALL of the 7 the churches). It’s funny how I’ve heard bits and pieces of it, but never took the time to sit down and really absorb what it speaks on. I guess it’s for the best though because I am MUCH wiser now than I was at 16 or 20. Since Last week I’ve been rereading and dissecting 1 Corinthians Chapters 7-9 in detail.

Here’s what I found out:

1. Holding out on sex/physical intimacy just because you’re mad at your husband or wife isn’t right. Paul says in chapter 7, verses 3-5, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. This makes perfect sense! If you are mad at your spouse and hold out, you are making it easier for them to be tempted and cheat. If they do, you’ll have nobody to be mad at BUT YOURSELF! One of the God given rights of marriage is physical intimacy; so going long periods of time without it makes it challenging for two separate people to be on an accord as one. Now if you say, “Ok sweetness, let’s fast and believe God for insert blessing here and focus on God for a week.”, then that’s fine. But using intimacy as a ‘controlling’ method…NEGATIVE.

celibacy_page-bg_128002. It’s not a godly command, but a suggestion by Paul to remain single for as long as possible. Chapter 7, verse 8 reads, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Face it. Most of us want to get married one day (shoot I know I do!) ; but the truth of the matter is that we can do more for God single than we can married. NOW BEFORE YOU REACH FOR YOUR HOLY WATER, let me break down what I mean – think about being single. You can go and come as you please without having to take into account anyone else’s feelings but your own. If you don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping for your entire vacation you can do it without input from your significant other. If you don’t feel like shaving your legs or cutting your beard…no problemo. You don’t have tons of familial responsibilities so you can blow all of your money on a backpacking across the Serengeti and crisscross the country going on mission trips and visiting monasteries….it’ll be no big whoop. Now think on marriage. You don’t just get married and a life of bliss automatically follows…it takes work. You have someone else’s feelings to consider and at times you have to sacrifice some of your personal time to help support your spouse; whether it be through financial, physical, or emotional difficulty. BUT notice Paul says, if you ‘can’t control yourself enough to wait until marriage for sex or sexual relations, then you need to go on and seek out a spouse. It’s better to marry than to fornicate. single

3. As Christians we are held (to a certain point) accountable for each other through our witnesses. Yes we live our own lives, but we need to make sure our witness reflects the things of God. Chapter 8, verses 4-13 speaks on this. “Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that “an idol has no real existence,” and that “there is no God but one.” For although there may be so-called gods in heaven or on earth—as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”— yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist. However, not all possess this knowledge. But some, through former association with idols, eat food as really offered to an idol, and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating[a] in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged,[b] if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers[c] and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.” 

drunkOn the surface, yes this is speaking on physical food, but walk with me for a second and dig a little deeper to think on the spiritual aspect of it. If you are a Christian who is saved from your old life of sin, you basically know how you should conduct yourself as a representative of God’s kingdom. Yes, you may be strong enough to go to clubs and listen to Wayne, Nicki, Sid Vicious and all of them without being ‘pulled back into the world’; but the people who AREN’T saved are not. Whether you think it’s not fair or being too deep or whatever — CHRISTIAN NEWS FLASH — you CAN’T DO EVERYTHING everyone else is doing. Point blank. If you cuss someone up and down, I hate it for you because that is a bad witness. I have acquaintances in the church who are cohabitating with their girlfriend/boyfriend, will turn up every drink in the club and cuss like crazy; then shout a crater in the floor and speak into other people’s lives. I love those friends, I really do….but I know that they have a bad witness. If you know that drinking that drink, smoking that weed, or gossiping about that girl could potentially make a non-believer say “I can do it if they can” and stray away from God’s path – it’s best you just lay it on down and give it up. FAIR OR NOT.

 

 

There is more to break down but I’ll discuss that in another post.

 

TO BE CONTINUED……….

– Joc

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You Are Perfection [Joc’s Commentary]

Yesterday I posted a quote by the amazingggg Trent Shelton. 

For your refreshment….. 

You’re PERFECT for the heart that’s meant to love you. –Trent Shelton 

This may seem like an odd thing for some people to read (I can already hear the head scratching going on) but if you really read it with your spiritual eyes, it makes [perfect] sense (no pun intended).haha 

It is humanly IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to be a perfect being and Lord knows we all suffer from a slew of imperfections; but the significant other (aka ‘heart’) that God has brewing is His ‘perfect’ match for us. Both of you may have some issues that God is working on now, but by the time your paths merge into one, you will have the strengths to support each others’ weaknesses. In your singleness, just keep working on yourself and know that at the end of your ‘journey-of-singleness’ you will be molded and transformed into the PERFECT [one] that [their] heart has been waiting for!

– Joc

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Give Your Heart A Break. Fall When You’re Ready.

Single? Tell your heart, “Dear Heart, Fall in love when your ready, not when your lonely.”

– Rohalier Charles Phillips

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Black Women Are Spending Too Much Time Going to School & Not Enough Trying to Get Married – My Response

This morning one of my friends from back in college sent me a link to this article: Black Women are Spending Too Much Time and Effort Going to School, They Should Be Spending That Time Trying to Get Married –  by Jamila Akil

READ THE ARTICLE ( http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/black-women-spending-time-effort-school-spending-time-married/ )then come back here and read my response.

 This is my response: 

As a single, black, educated woman in her mid twenties I was immediately aroused by the title of this article. 

The main points (that I feel) the author seems to be making are: 

  1. Although more black women are enrolling in college, they are second to last (before black men) in college completion rates. 
  2. Some black women seek numerous degrees to compensate for not being married 
  3. Earning a bachelors is beneficial to black women because it helps them earn more, lower unemployment rates, and learn networking skills. 
  4. Black women seeking miscellaneous graduate degrees later in life won’t boost their chances of being promoted where they are currently employed. It only places them deeper in debt and working harder to catch up. 
  5. [According to some reports] the people drowning in debt are either single parents or people who had gone back to school later in life to obtain another degree. Message to black women: chasing degrees < chasing a husband & a family life 
  6. Instead of focusing on finding a husband who can share the responsibilities of raising children and managing finances, black women chase degree after degree in hopes to reach financial freedom on their own. 

Point #1 – Haven’t done much research on this but from witnessing this happen to many of my friends who got pregnant or fell on hard times and couldn’t pay tuition; I can see how this may be accurate. By including this info the author is basically trying to say by enrolling in college and not completing, you’re still responsible for paying back loans, etc; so don’t enroll if you’re not serious or don’t have a clue of what you want to do with your degree. I can somewhat agree with this because while yes, traditional college/university is not for everyone (ie/ some musicians, factory workers, etc) not everyone knows what they want to do when they step onto that campus. Shoot, I can vouch! I was dead set on pursuing a medical degree since the 7th grade and that lasted until my first semester of college when I nearly flunked out by taking Chemistry, Biology, and 2 Chem Labs when I passed Advanced Placement Bio with a C in high school. Via electives and some good soul searching, I changed my entire pathway by the end of my sophomore year; just in time to get into my core classes. This point could be worded differently as not to generalize the issue.

Point #2 – I think it’s very fair to say that this point is valid. I know PLENTY of women who throw themselves into their work to compensate for being single. Unfortunately, even I teeter on the verge of being one of those women. I was able to get out of a terribly draining relationship about 3 years ago, and to keep myself from dating again too quickly, I decided to go into overdrive towards working on accomplishing my life goals. After all, you can do more while you’re single than you could EVER do married/in a relationship; reason being, you only have yourself to answer to and don’t have to take anyone else’s feelings or schedule into account. Now 3 years later, I find that while I am making progress in my career, I am SO busy I find it hard to find time to spend time with family and friends…let alone get back out on the DATING CIRCUIT! I understand that if you’re not married, you have NO CHOICE but to support yourself, but the key thing is to not get so career oriented that you feel like you ‘don’t need a man’. PSST you are lying to yourself and to God if you say you don’t NEED a man. We are designed as women to be one with man and men with women. The only one who obtained perfection being single was Jesus Christ the Savior and regardless if you are of the Christian faith or not, it’s evident to see when you look around that humans need one another in some way or another. Regardless if it’s the bus driver to driving your kids to school or the bathroom of the attendant cleaning up the restroom in a swanky restaurant, or even the electrical guy who operates the traffic lights in your city…WE NEED ONE ANOTHER. So for anyone to live, let alone a woman, as if they don’t need a soul; that’s bologna – defiant, oblivious, stale, moldy bologna. Work because that’s what you love to do; not because you’re trying to fill some other void. It won’t work.

Point #3 – Like I stated before, a college degree is not for everyone; however, I do feel that everyone deserves the right to have the college EXPERIENCE. There is no other place on earth like college where you have the opportunity to interact and work with people from varied backgrounds. The jocks, the Goths, the poetry kids, the ‘artsy creatives’, the sluts, the Greeks, the Afro-Centrics, the nerds, the kids of mixed raced and other ethnicities – you’ll meet some of EVERYBODY in college. If you only interacted with all black kids or all white kids or kids who lived in your neighborhood; the college experience forces you to get out there and shake it up a bit. This point is valid. College can enhance a black woman’s appeal. Professionally and romantically.

Point #4 – This point is not so black-and-white. Once again, it depends on a woman’s particular situation. If you’re a high school math teacher with 15 years of experience and your boss tells you that in order to become state certified or become an administrator you have to have your maters; then by golly you need to invest the money and get that degree! Ideally, the salary you will make once you’re promoted will end up paying you back the money you invested in school. The same goes for those who want to be surgeons. If you’re an RN, and want to become a surgical physician; you’ll need more schooling to get that extra pay rate. Now if you are a single mother of 2 working in HR at a bank, and currently paying back the $120,000 in loans you owe for your BA in Business, chances are a masters degree in Psychology with a concentration in Political Science is not going to help you get closer to that promotion to Chief HR Officer you so badly desire. Hard work ON THE JOB and networking will most likely land you that promotion before any degree will. Before going after a degree black women in particular need to think; will this really help me in the long run. If it’s not, you’ll basically be breaking your back and sacrificing potentially meeting the husband you’ve dreamt of all because you’re too tired to date juggling school, a job, kids, and trying to hustle back all of those additional accrued loans.

Point #5 – I can’t really speak on this point because everyone has whatever debt they have because of different reasons. Some people in these positions mentioned in the articles are actually debt free and have no problem getting out of debt; while some are just gargling above water. But as a single black woman myself; I do find myself weighing out what type of life I want to have. I call myself a “traditional progressive”. While I am all for women’s rights and independence, I have the deep desire to be somewhat of a traditional wife and mother. I have no problem with my husband making more than I do – I actually WANT to marry a man who brings home more than I do. To me, that will give me more time to take care of my home and wifely duties when I get home from working and I don’t have to depend on a nanny most times to take care of my kids. I want to be present as much as possible for my kids. I don’t want my assistant calling me telling me they took their first steps or have them come to me at age 30 asking me why wasn’t I there more. I want to have a career but will eventually lay it down when it comes to my family. I plan to work now while I’m single so that when I do settle down and get married; I don’t have to work as hard outside the home and take care of my family with minimal distractions.

AND FINALLY…

Point #6 – I agree. This ties into her to the other points surrounding this similar message. There are some women who chase degree after degree in order to feel accomplished or to garner the ‘oohs’, ‘ahhhs’, and admiration of their peers. At the end of the day, a straight man doesn’t want to marry another man; he wants to feel needed, necessary, wanted. I’m not going to get into whether you as a black woman need ‘his’ money or need ‘him’ to kill spiders, or need ‘him’ to cut your grass; the point is, you need to let ‘him’ like you do sometimes. If you spend your time stacking all of these degrees on your mantle some men will be intimidated and immediately shut down any attempt to get court you. Some women, ESPECIALLY black, degree holding women, don’t understand this but I’ve had enough discussions and have listened in on enough panels to know that this is the way it is. Think about it this way: 

Guy:

Extremely attractive, holds a BA in Hospitality Management, spiritually mature, funny, caring, has one kid, and manages your local Best Western. 

You:

Attractive (hopefully haha), hold a BS in Political Science with a minor in Ethnic Studies, Masters in Political Science with a concentration in Finance, you’re currently going to school for yet another degree while you simultaneously work for Bank of America Corporate (doing whatever) and have no kids. 

Poor guy would have to have nerves of steel to get past any hesitation that creeps up as hearing what you do. You’re thinking, ok, this is a pretty nice guy whose working his way up…but he’s thinking, here’s a woman who is accomplished and makes way more than me; I’m just gonna leave that alone. I’m not saying that that any secondary degree you hold is invalid, but come on, unless you’re working on becoming the CEO or COO of your company what are you taking out loans and busting your butt for? Richard Branson never completed high school and he is the CEO/Founder/Creator of Virgin – which over the years has expanded into the communications market, music industry, and transportation market. 

To round my thoughts out and to a close, if you are a black woman in your 20s or older, I would encourage you to save this article to your FAVORITES tab or print it out and keep it in a notebook or drawer. Shoot, if you’re in high school and you can comprehend and appreciate this article I’d suggest that YOU do the same as well! It’s never to early to get a head start on your life. Learn from the prior generation so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes or missteps that [we] have.

Ps. Thanks Keesh and Ash for sharing this! You guys are so classy! ❤ 

– Joc

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Say…What Happened to Dating, Courtship, & Marriage?! PART 2

[con’td]…but the true solution to [the problem] (be you of the Christian faith or not) is to break down and truly discover the meanings of a TRUE relationship and how to break the cycle of infidelity and ‘get money’.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you get up on Quentin McCall’s relationship blog “Knowledge For Life” — you’ll be glad you did! He has so many good points on what a few of the culprits are behind society and the mask it wears.

1. The Difference Between “Love” and “In Love” – there IS a difference and we all tend to misuse and interchange the two carelessly. Read how/why:  http://quentinmccall.com/difference-love-love/

2. Nagging – it’s even in the book of Proverbs that no one likes nagging. It’s not healthy to or for a relationship. And it’s not just the ladies doing it these days…it’s the guys too! Read how/why: http://quentinmccall.com/5-ways-nagging-killing-relationship/

3. Wasting Time on a Person that’s NO GOOD for You – staying in a relationship that’s headed NOWHERE fast will only jade you farther and farther. If you stay in an emotionally abusive relationship or put up with mess, it’s only going to harden your heart and make you numb to true love when it comes. Read how/why: http://quentinmccall.com/youre-wasting-time-wrong-man/

4. Stressing About Being Single – there are pros and cons in every season of your life. There are things you can rightfully do as a single person that you’d have to think twice on if you were in a relationship. Also, TONS of people date out of desperation or loneliness. This is being selfish and will most likely lead you into a bad or unfruitful relationship. You have to BE the person you want to attract. You can’t be lazy, but expect to meet someone who can cater to your high maintenance needs. You can’t be hot tempered and disorganized but expect to meet someone who is faithful and loving and patient. It works BOTH ways. Read how/why: http://quentinmccall.com/5biggestrelationshipmistakes/

 

Hope this helps you! If you want to know more, just comment below and I’ll answer any questions! I’m not a pro, but I’ve lived a little bit.

– Joc  

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